My purpose for blogging...

Hey guys.. so this is my first public blog I've ever done.. I'm not really sure where to start. Well.. I'm 23 years old, and have been struggling with Chronic Major Depressive Disorder since the 9th grade of high school. I'm not really sure what I am expecting out of doing this whole blogging thing, I guess just as an outlet to get things off of my chest and maybe as a way to get some positive feedback, help, or suggestions.. let some strangers know about it.. not really sure. All I know is that I'm at my wits end.. I can't take it anymore. I've been struggling with this for so long, nothing seems to help anymore. Not medications, psychotherapy, self-help books.. nothing. I've gradually stopped taking care of myself. Not on purpose, its just that I'd rather sleep so I don't have to think, rather than do anything productive. I'm still in school, two more quarters to go before I can get my RN license. That's been going alright I suppose, although I'm a quarter behind due to dropping out a quarter related to a major episode.. that'll be explained later I'm sure. I started dating this amazing guy about 5months ago.. we've already talked about tying the knot at some point. I know we can't be together long term if I don't get through this.. there will be no future.. He's worried about me, he has seen me slowly slip down into a state of .. well... further depression. Seen me take too many pills, not to overdose, just to put myself asleep so I dont have to think anymore..He doesn't understand though... no comprehension of what it feels like to be like this. He doesn't get why I can't just get myself motivated. I mean.. its like a struggle enough to survive on a day to day basis let alone run errands all day, or go to the gym for an hour, or whatever else he does. His criticism and lack of understanding definately does not help the situation... all I want is for him to be there and hold me when I'm having a hard time... not constantly tell me everything I'm not doing and should be doing, as if I don't know that already.. Maybe I'm just being a baby and need to suck it up... I mean how many other people in the world deal with this...  I'm not trying to feel bad for myself, even though sometimes I do. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I'm exhausted from this day to day battle to be alive. Poor self-esteem, hopelessness, complete loss of interest, no vision for the future.. in complete fatigue 24/7, recurrent thoughts of death and dying.. Sometimes I just feel like the pain is too much to handle, that theres no light at the end of the tunnel, I will never get out of this and feel or be normal like everyone else.... I feel this way too much that I feel like sleeping or dying is the only way to get rid of it.. I can't do it anymore. I need to figure something out but I feel like I've tried everything. I guess I'm just hoping that writing publicly about whats going on can somewhat help... maybe even lead to some further help. We'll see I guess. Until later.